Toilet Humor

***TOILET HUMOR***

You could be running late to a lot of things: a meeting, your job, a date, a party, or school to name a few examples. But if you’re running late to the bathroom, you can bet your ass someone will make comedy out of it. Toilet humor for me is very hit or miss. On one hand, using words like “nasal jelly” and “penis pudding” will always get a laugh. That’s one thing. But if someone is just pissing, shitting, and farting for the hell of it, that’s not comedy, that’s disgusting. If I ever give a book or movie a low review score, it’s probably because the bathroom humor was hammed up to the extreme. “Throw the Damn Ball” is an animal poetry book that received two stars from me because they couldn’t resist talking about piss and shit in every other stanza. “Doggolescence” at least had the decency to keep it to a minimum.

I’m not completely opposed to bathroom humor provided it’s done correctly, a.k.a. the exact opposite of what WWE is known for, which is one of the many reasons I stopped watching it in 2018. Natalya Neidhart, a technical genius in the ring and a naturally beautiful woman, was given a farting gimmick in 2012 and she never recovered from that humiliation. The Authors of Pain, a tag team consisting of two colossal MMA heavyweights, were reduced to a joke after their manager Drake Maverick pissed his pants on live television (and thus they were nicknamed AOPeePee). In 2019, The Usos rubbed their version of Icy Hot all over the inside of The Revival’s wrestling shorts and effectively killed their momentum in the process.

It’s hard to take anybody seriously as a character when they’ve been humiliated by bathroom humor. Apply this logic to any one of your favorite stories. You think Tobias Kaya from “The Savior’s Champion” would have gotten the girl in the end if he was a perpetual farting machine? You think Charlie from “The Perks of Being a Wallfower” would even be allowed into his new social circle if he shit himself on a regular basis? You think Jonathan Quinn from “The Cleaner” would be an effective secret agent if he constantly wet himself? The answer to all of these questions is an emphatic hell no. Bathroom humor by itself isn’t funny, but it really destroys a story if handled in a heavy-handed way.

So why am I telling you all this? Because if I don’t, you’ll think of me as a hypocrite for wanting to write short stories called “The Scatomancer” and “The Uromancer”. Any story with “mancer” in the title is automatically going to have magical implications. Unfortunately in this case, it’s a shit wizard and a piss wizard I’m itching to write about. There’s no way in hell I can tell serious stories given the material I’m working with. They have to be presented as bathroom comedies right out of the gate. The wizards have to be self-aware as far as their magical powers go. Do you honestly think Diablo II: Lord of Destruction would have been a worldwide success if one of the boss enemies was called The Scatomancer? Do you think Final Fantasy VII would take off as a serious emotional story if the Materia allowed the user to practice Uromancy? Oh! What riveting stories! Cloud Strife suddenly has the ability to make Sephiroth piss his pants! What’s so exciting about that?!

But if you’re honest about what you’re selling and you’re self-aware of your gross-out humor, that’s one thing. Case in point, John Kricfalusi, the creator of Ren & Stimpy, although I hate using him as an example because of his predatory behavior towards minors. But if I may be allowed one small second to separate the art from the artist, Ren & Stimpy was a shining example of bathroom humor done correctly. The lysergic animation, the wacky facial expressions, and the daringness to go beyond the capabilities of a TV-Y7 rating: that’s what bathroom humor should be about. However, it sucks that John K is a pedophile and he should be punished for that. Ren & Stimpy could have been dubbed the greatest cartoon of all time and it still wouldn’t absolve him.

I’m not saying I’m an expert in perfecting toilet humor. I openly hate it whenever it’s done incorrectly. I hate the damage it could do to an otherwise beautiful story. But I’ll at least try to get it right when I eventually write “The Scatomancer” and “The Uromancer”. If anybody has tips for me in this regard, I’d be open to feedback. One person I will not take feedback from is Vince McMahon, the same guy who greenlit a colonoscopy segment in 2005 involving Jim Ross where he pulled various objects out of Mr. Ross’s ass before opening it up further with a jackhammer and the Jaws of Life. You know what else Vince McMahon greenlit? A drug testing segment on Smackdown where Jeff Hardy threw a cup of urine in Sheamus’s face. I don’t miss WWE at all. Yeah, I’m happy that Drew McIntyre is finally the WWE Champion, but it’ll take more than that to get me to return to my television set.

Pissing and shitting isn’t comedy. Farting isn’t a ratings booster. They’re natural bodily functions that have to be done behind a locked bathroom door. Repeat: a locked bathroom door. If you have layers on top of those bodily functions, that could count as comedy. But the acts themselves? Not even close to being funny. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!


***MOVIE DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***

SECURITY GUARD: Your pants are awfully baggy. You got anything in there?

BAD SANTA: Yeah, my dick. You want to see it?

-Bad Santa-


***POST-SCRIPT***

See? Was that so hard? That’s an example of toilet humor done right!

Changing My Mind

***CHANGING MY MIND***

After reading a blog entry I wrote about Backwoods Barbarian being my next project, you’re probably wondering why there’s a chapter of something called Silent Warrior on my social media accounts. Before I get into that, let me just state that changing my mind about creative endeavors is something I do quite frequently according to circumstances. Why? Because I can, that’s why. I admit that inconsistency and broken promises aren’t helping my brand a whole lot, but sometimes things can change without advance notice. If you want to know just how frequently things can change, then I shall give you a rundown of all my creative projects.

Let’s start with Backwoods Barbarian and Silent Warrior. Backwoods Barbarian was scheduled to be my next long-term project, but then my angelic beta reader Marie gave me some divine intervention in the form of a suggestion. She likes the idea of Silent Warrior because it’s something that I can identify with on a personal level: being a mentally ill introvert navigating high school. Just as a side note, I graduated in 2003. While I do incorporate personal creative fuel into my novellas often, Silent Warrior will do it in a way that’s even more personal to me. When I expressed my doubts as to whether I could flesh out the pre-write into twenty chapters, Marie cheered me on with pom-poms in hand and I finally pumped out my first chapter. She’s my own personal Jesus Christ.

That’s not to say that Backwoods Barbarian will be tossed aside so easily. I’ve contemplated working on it simultaneously with Silent Warrior, but there are pros and cons to having a two-novel schedule. The biggest pro is that I’ll have something to work on when I get writer’s block. The biggest con is that I could lose focus on one particular project, which could arguably aggravate my writer’s block instead of heal it. Nothing is set in stone just yet (in case you haven’t figured that out from how frequently I change my mind).

In addition to penning potentially two first drafts, I’m also working with my guardian angel Marie in editing the shit out of my next self-published poetry book, Lunatic Justice. Ever since we joined together in this project, I’ve had to cut a lot of poems and songs out of this collection due to the fact that they went over like a fart in church. It almost makes me wish I consulted her before publishing Necrograph since that has a lot of questionable poetry as well. Ever wonder why my parody about Texas isn’t on my social media accounts? Let’s just say that instead of going over like a fart in church, it went over like a diarrhea splatter in a graveyard. It’s never too late to cut it from Necrograph, but a small part of me still feels it could have at least SOME comedic value.

In the same way that she’s helping me put together Lunatic Justice, I’m fixing to help her edit the shit out of her upcoming novella, The Portal: Tales of Mentara. She describes it as a middle grade fantasy adventure, so that’ll be something to look forward to. Though she hasn’t picked an exact date yet, she tells me that she plans on publishing it sometime this February. But just like me, she has the right to change her mind whenever she damn well feels like it. There’ll be more news as it’s made available. Until then, I’ll have this to say: enjoy my smart-assed critiques, Marie! Some of your spice has rubbed off on me! Hehe!

Last but not least, I’ve been shopping around on Amazon for a webcam, but I haven’t made any purchases yet. I could just as easily use my digital camera, but I’m not totally trustworthy of my camera’s battery life, especially when it comes to shooting You Tube videos. Yes, you heard me right: I’m considering shooting You Tube videos as a way to expand my author platform. I’ve spent the last few minutes sorting my video play lists and sprucing up my channel page. I even have a play list in my favorites called “Critique Therapy”, which basically consists of angry videos used to psych myself up for receiving reviews and critiques. Yes, I know I’m safe in the arms of my beloved Marie, but even to this day, I get that knot in the pit of my stomach, because I’m a writer and it’s in my blood. You could have the world’s thickest skin and you’d still be terrified from time to time. Don’t kick yourself for it, because it’s as natural as breathing in and out.

So what will these You Tube videos consist of? Book reviews? Writing advice? Schizophrenia stories? Poetry readings? Short story readings? Maybe a mixture of all of those things. But before I do any of that, I have to learn how to be confident in front of the camera. People say that the best gimmick to have for You Tube videos is just to be yourself. In my private life, I have a colorful personality that involves whining in a French-Irish accent, screaming like a barbarian, talking in a cutesy ogre voice to my animals, and wearing a Snoopy T-shirt that says, “Please don’t make me do stuff.” In my public life, I’m shy and awkward as hell. I don’t intentionally make conversation with strangers and when I do I keep a lot of my colorful personality on the inside. Shooting You Tube videos is basically like having that same conversation with a faceless audience. Something has to change drastically.

I’m going to stop right here, because I can’t think of anything else off the top of my head. Wait a second, there is one more thing. Marie made me the most awesome book cover for Lunatic Justice! I’m not going to show it off on my social media accounts just yet, because it’s only a prototype and I’d rather you guys see the finished product. As of now, the cover has a Guy Fawkes mask on it with an American flag, flames, and shadows superimposed over it. The title and author font are in the style of a military stencil. Seeing that level of awesomeness makes me excited to publish this book of poetry. I can’t thank Marie enough!

We’ve got ears, say cheers! You know, I should probably use a different sign-off phrase from now on. I’ve been using that one for years and it’s from a kid’s show. While I may be a kid at heart, it doesn’t translate well into the world of professional writing. I’ll think of something.

***MOVIE QUOTE OF THE DAY***

“Willy, this has been a longtime coming. Every year you’re worse. Every year less reliable. More booze. More bullshit. More butt-fucking.”

-Marcus from “Bad Santa”-