***FAN FICTION GROUP THERAPY***
I know this blog entry will sound ironic considering my last
one was about how I don’t want to take time to decompress after a negative
event. But just because I don’t want to, doesn’t mean others can’t benefit from
it. I don’t project my insecurities on other people. I will say, however, that
I’ve never been part of a group therapy session before, but I imagine it’s a
lot like an AA meeting or a prayer clique. Since this is my group therapy
session we’re talking about, there will obviously be some differences. For
refreshments, there won’t be juice and cookies. Juice and cookies? What is
this, kindergarten? How about some of the good stuff for a change? Hot wings!
Pizza! Cheeseburgers! No, they’re not healthy for you, but then again, neither
is a sugar-frosted cookie with a billion calories in one serving. The juice
also probably contains high fructose corn syrup, which is worse than sugar in
many ways.
Why am I writing a blog about group therapy? Because in all
my time of taking in fictional stories, I’ve seen a lot of characters who
clearly need it. They’re fucked up, they’re tearful, and for some of them it
may be too late, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try. So here it is, ladies and
gentlemen: my fan fiction group therapy roster. We’ll all get together and talk
about our feelings while dining on something other than sugar and corn syrup.
***MILLENIUM: LANDON BRYCE***
I’ve beaten this topic to death in a previous blog entry
where I incorporate Otherwise’s music into the canon. But that doesn’t make
Landon Bryce’s induction into this group any less important. Look at him, he’s
a wreck! He was held hostage by a lovey-dovey demon named Lucy Butler and
brainwashed into believing that he was mediocre instead of brilliant. He could
have gone places. He could have skyrocketed past the glass ceiling.
Unfortunately, we never got to see future episodes of Millennium where Landon
gets to rise above his kidnapping scenario. More than likely, if he believes
the bullshit he was fed while he was being cuddled and kissed by Lucy Butler,
then he’ll have a hard time holding down a job because he doesn’t believe in
himself. He’ll also want to remain single because every woman he goes out with
looks like Lucy in the end. Eat the cheeseburger, Landon. Eat it! It’s soul
food!
***FINAL FANTASY VIII: SQUALL LEONHART***
If you’ve played this videogame before, you might admire
Squall’s ability to give absolutely zero fucks about the people around him. No
emotional attachments, no love interests, no friendships, just Squall Leonhart
and a Linkin Park CD, though Linkin Park’s first album wouldn’t come out until
a few years after Final Fantasy VIII. But really, can you blame Squall? He grew
up in an orphanage and was left behind by the one person he thought he could
trust: his older sister. He doesn’t want to get his heart broken again, so he
tells the world to fuck off. Is anybody really that independent? Human beings
are social animals by nature, so all of this wall-building has to make Squall
lonely and depressed deep inside. He can fantasize about isolation all he
wants, but even he wouldn’t be able to survive such an environment. Have a
slice of pizza, Squall, and think about your future.
***FINAL FANTASY VII: CLOUD STRIFE***
He couldn’t save Aerith, he couldn’t save himself, and he
still has no fucking clue what “Dilly Dally Shilly Shally” means. Not even the
love of Tifa Lockhart can snap him out of his depressive funk. In fact, the two
might be having marital issues that they can’t work out on their own, so
perhaps group therapy will be Cloud’s saving grace. He’s got a lot to talk
about whether it’s his past battles, his love triangle, or being washed up in a
river full of toxic waste. And when he holds a chicken wing in his hand and
tries to take a bite, the other group members will notice how aggressively his
hand is shaking. It could be PTSD. It could be depression. Or it could be a
case of not having anymore fucks to give.
***PINK FLOYD THE WALL: PINK FLOYD***
I’m talking strictly about the adult character in the movie,
not the actual band members, although Roger Waters in particular could use some
group therapy. But it’s true, the adult version of Pink just needs someone to
talk to about his lost father or his abusive teacher or his cheating wife or
his smothering mother. But instead, he builds a wall around himself and lets
nobody in, not unlike Squall Leonhart. Within the confines of this wall, he
goes bat shit insane and smashes his hotel room to pieces. How do you convince
a guy with this much insanity to join a group therapy session? It’s not easy,
but I hear the Sparkling Ices taste quite lovely, especially the out-of-stock
green apple flavor.
***STREET FIGHTER ALPHA 3: CODY TRAVERS***
Everything seemed to be going Cody’s way, especially in his
original videogame Final Fight where he rescued his girlfriend Jessica and
freed Metro City
***OBSELIDIA: GEORGE***
I’ve also talked about George in another blog entry, but to
bring you up to speed, he starts out in the movie thinking love is obsolete
since it’s just chemicals in the brain fucking with you. He worked in a library
and a female customer flirted with him only to be turned down for that specific
reason. And then George meets his philosophical equal in Sophie and the
anti-love myth is dispelled forever…at least until Sophie is revealed to
already have a boyfriend by the movie’s end. Poor George. Poor, poor George.
Have a seat next to Cody and enjoy a chicken wing. The chicken wing doesn’t
mind that your heart is shattered into a million pieces. In fact, the worse
condition your heart is in, the better it is for the chicken companies!
***THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWER: CHARLIE***
All this high schooler wanted was a circle of friends he
could share is life with. He gets everything he wants and more when he meets
step-siblings Patrick and Sam. Charlie falls head-over-heels for the lovely
lady Sam, but is careful to keep his distance because he doesn’t want to ruin
their friendship. He almost gets kicked out of the group permanently and that
alone would have warranted group therapy. But then he regains the keys to the
kingdom and is dragged out of the shadows by Sam. The two begin to have sex,
but then Charlie has repressed flashbacks of being molested by his aunt and is
rushed to a hospital. By the time he recovers, Sam and Patrick are off to
college and Charlie still has more high school to complete. He’s both “happy
and sad at the same time”. Pull up a chair, Charlie. It’s going to be along
road.
***CONCLUSION***
There will be tears. There will be shakes. There will be
pain. But most importantly, there will be recovery. That’s what I want for all
of these fictional characters. But I refuse to end our sessions with the famous
speech about “the wisdom to know the difference”. They already know what they
can and can’t change and what they can and can’t accept. If they want a bright
future, they have to fight for it. If you fight for your dreams, your dreams
will fight for you, as said by Daniel Bryan on an episode of Smackdown when he
was medically cleared for in-ring competition again. Part of this fight for the
future includes unleashing a shit ton of pent-up rage. So after every meeting,
we’ll stand up and let the growling sounds of Max Cavalera’s voice wash over us
as he sings “Blood Fire War Hate” by Soulfly. Say it with me! “Blood! Fire!
War! Hate! Blood! Fire! War! Hate!” Feels good, doesn’t it? Hell, some of these
characters might end up joining a metal band, so they might as well get used to
saying it. I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“Someday, somehow, I’m
gonna make it alright, but not right now. I know you’re wondering when. You’re
the only one who knows that.”
-Nickelback singing “Someday”-
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