Lionization

***LIONIZATION***

Usually when I’m writing short stories for the WSS, the plots are heavily centered around things in life I want to demonize. “Vex Ed” demonizes abstinence-based sex ed classes. “Zion Heart” demonizes the notion that people who are against the Israeli government are also against the Jewish people. But this is just short stories. What about novels? If my short stories aim to demonize the worst parts of human life, should my novels then lionize the best parts? Demons and lions: such magnificent creatures that represent opposite ends of the positive-negative spectrum.

I’ve decided that lionizing my favorite parts of life was something I definitely wanted to do with my novels. Well, most of them. That’s what I’m trying to go for when I write “Demon Axe” chapters. While it is true that it takes a shot at nationalism and obsolete traditions, it also highlights the awesomeness of heavy metal music. In fact, heavy metal music will be not only the theme of this story, but also the solution. I won’t tell you how, but it’s in there, trust me.

And that got me thinking: what other parts of my life can I lionize with my creative writing? Well, for starters…

***ANIMALS***

It’s the worst guarded secret I have: I love animals, especially furry ones with sweet dispositions. It’s the reason why I use the word “pie” quite liberally when I describe cute animals or sweet people. I have two novel ideas called Catfight and LuNacho that will lionize animals if they ever come to pass. Catfight is Tori-centric and LuNacho is of course Luna and Nacho-centric.

***BARBARIANS***

Here’s another badly-guarded secret: I love barbarians. I use them as main characters for any fantasy RPG I can get my hands on whether it’s Dungeons & Dragons or Diablo II: Lord of Destruction. They’re big, muscle-bound, intense, scary, and quicker than cats. Oh, and they also love to use battleaxes. Barbaric Justice and Backwoods Barbarian will be the novel ideas that lionize these badass warriors. Backwoods Barbarian will finally be the one where my friend TJ’s orc warrior Agrusk Xis makes his literary debut, since the rise and fall of Fireball Nightmare. My paladin Charles Goodhorn will make his debut in Barbaric Justice.

***PORNOGRAPHY***

As a single man who frightens easily around beautiful women, I’m constantly looking for things on the internet to masturbate to. Yeah, that’s right. I said it. I’ve been jerking off since the age of 12 and my first wank was to Peta Wilson from the 90’s detective show “La Femme Nikita”. So far, I only have one novel idea that will lionize pornography: it’s cleverly titled 69 Bullets. Get it? 69? Har-dee-har-har. I’m sure Marie would have a field day critiquing that title.

***AUTHORS***

I’m a semi-professional author and it’s the best (and only) job I’ve ever had. You’re damn right I’m going to lionize the hell out of this occupation. Authors love their privacy, because it allows them to get their work done in an efficient manner. The main villain of Tender Loving Intensive Care threatens the author’s privacy, so he and his fiancé beat the shit out of the villain. Seems reasonable to me when a simple police report would have worked. Or not. Actually, it doesn’t, which is where the author’s frustrations come to fruition.

***MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE***

I’ve been a schizophrenic since 2002, but I’ve struggled with suppressing traumatic memories and being depressed since my freshman year of high school. Naturally, I want one of my heroes to be just as fucked up as me. Thus we have Mario Bryan, the schizophrenic and socially awkward lead character of Watch You Burn, a novel I wrote back in 2015 and would love to edit the hell out of someday. Actually, it reads like an acid flashback, so editing might take longer than anticipated.

***DRAWING GROSS PICTURES***

When Susan was still living here at the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household, I would always draw pictures of cartoon characters doing violent things to each other and show them to her for a shocked reaction. She responded every time and I laughed my ass off. So I figured, why not lionize this special moment in time than with a novel called “Suck It, Double Dork”, where one of the drawings is of Eddy from “Ed, Edd, n’ Eddy” giving a blowjob to Kevin while the latter is standing on top of a coffin. That’ll make for some interesting literature.

***HEAVY METAL***

I’ve already mentioned Demon Axe’s impact on heavy metal, but did you know that I had a D&D-inspired novel idea called “Love, Lies, and Rock n’ Roll”? It’s about a homeless gay couple who play bard music on the streets for money, only to have a rightwing politician try to harass them with bullying tactics. Think of this story idea as being a cross between the movie “Any Day Now” and the memoir book “A Street Cat Named Bob” (with a little girl in place of the cat).

***INTROVERSION***

The silent warriors of our society don’t get enough credit for being themselves. Yes, Susan Cain has written a nonfiction book called “Quiet” to highlight the needs of introverts, but how many teachers out there still grade their students on participating in class conversations? Thus we have a novel idea called “Silent Warrior”, where high school senior Scott George lashes out at the unfair treatment he has received from his teachers and peers. Marie suggested that Scott not be so confrontational and I believe she makes a good point.

***LIBERALISM***

I don’t talk about politics that often, so when I write a novel about liberalism, I keep hoping that it’s special. I wrote “Filter Feeder” back in either 2013 or 2014 and it was a pro-environmental urban fantasy novel that was almost a knockoff of Final Fantasy VII’s Materia gimmick. Hopefully, I’ll do better with “It’s a Freak Country”, where a humanoid alligator is running for president and makes Donald Trump look like a Black Panther. This alligator candidate even has an orcish barbarian for a Vice President. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

***PRO-WRESTLING***

Occupy Wrestling is obviously my answer for lionizing this form of violent entertainment. But I also have a sequel to this story called “The Black Widow” planned out in minimal detail, where Debra Winter is the main hero and is still doing her ninja gimmick. I also have another wrestling story idea called “Monster’s Ball”, where a boring wrestler named George Kerry gets a werewolf curse put on him in order to make him more violent and exciting in the ring. Do I have to put dark fantasy elements in all of my wrestling stories? You’re damn right I do!

***CONCLUSION***

There are other aspects of my life I’d like to lionize such as Christmas celebrations and Halloween outings, but those don’t have novel ideas just yet. I’m working on it. Kind of. Maybe. I’d be nice if this cloudy weather didn’t sap every ounce of energy I have. Aw, who am I kidding? I love to nap during gray weather. Smokey loves it when I’m laying next to her, so it can’t be all that bad. We’ve got ears, say cheers!

***WEEKLY SHORT STORY CONTESTS AND COMPANY***

With real life taking over the admins’ lives, we all had to wait a week for a new contest. But by god, we finally have one. The theme is “dramatic entrance” and my story is called “The Audiomancer”. It goes like this:

CHARACTERS:

Edge Spider, Cyborg Gangster

Lisa Baker, Human Soldier

PROMPT CONFORMITY: Edge makes a dramatic entrance into Lisa’s apartment.

SYNOPSIS: In a cyberpunk society, soldiers will go to great lengths to cure themselves of PTSD, even if those methods are dangerous. Lisa has been a customer of Edge’s since she returned home from an overseas war. Edge’s main product is audio files that give the listener the same psychological effect as a traditional recreational drug. Lisa has been hooked on these audio files for a long time, but can’t come up with the adequate payments for these drugs. The story begins with Edge coming to her apartment to collect his debt, even if he has to use violence and intimidation to get it.

***DEMON AXE***

Daniel Mercer is in no condition to do an interview with the police. Even so, Detective Shawn Henry decides Chapter 2 is the perfect time to ask him stupid bureaucratic questions. During this conversation, it is revealed that Daniel is experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress and that he’s seriously considering giving up his music career. I guess having his audience and band mates slashed to pieces will do that sort of thing to him.

***DARK FANTASY WARRIORS***

With Monzo Bleeder up and running, it’s time for a new Dark Fantasy Warrior to take his place. Meet Vulture Man, Daniel’s guitarist from Chapter 1 of Demon Axe. He obviously doesn’t last long and he’s far from being a warrior, but Vulture Man is unique enough that he deserves his own drawing. Hey, if Drew Carey can be in the WWE Hall of Fame, Vulture Man can be a Dark Fantasy Warrior. Deal with it.

***MUSIC JOKE OF THE DAY***

If Phil Anselmo’s group Down collaborates with Aaron Nordstrom’s group Gemini Syndrome, will their new heavy metal band be called Down Syndrome?