Nunchucks

***NUNCHUCKS***

Yes, you read that right, ladies and gentlemen. I’m dedicating an entire blog entry to…nunchucks. Two wooden or metal tubes attached by a chain or a rope. You can twirl them around, you can spin them overhead, or more importantly, you can whack people with them and cause blunt force trauma. It could be that I’m living under a rock these days, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong when I say this. Nunchucks are an underrated weapon in fantasy and sci-fi canons. I can count on one hand how many examples of nunchuck usage I can think of: Panthro form The Thundercats, Billy and Jimmy Lee from the Double Dragon franchise, the karateka from the first Final Fantasy game, on rare occasions in Dungeons & Dragons Version 3.5, Guy from Final Fight III, and…holy shit, that’s it!

As evidenced by my WWE fandom of Daniel Bryan, I’m a huge supporter of the underdog and the little guy. Nunchucks are like the Daniel Bryan of fantasy novel weapons. That needs to change and hopefully I can do it with some of my stories from Poison Tongue Tales 2: Warrior Spirit. And while we’re on the topic of WSS short stories, I might as well get this out of the way now. The next contest entry will be called “This Is Violence” and it’ll feature an elf ninja named Natron who uses nunchucks. It’ll be meta fiction since most of the story takes place in a computer game played by a teenaged boy, but those nunchucks will come into play in a big fucking hurry, trust me. Here’s the synopsis for my story:

CHARACTERS:

1.      Natron, Computer Gamer

2.      Shivo Black, Demonic Final Boss

PROMPT: Ivory Tower

PROMPT CONFORMITY: The Tower of Hell is jokingly called The Ivory Tower by those who have easily beaten this RPG.

SYNOPSIS: A teenaged boy with the online alias Natron is on the final stage of a dark fantasy computer RPG called “This Is Violence”. In order to beat this final level, he has to climb the Tower of Hell and defeat a demonic warrior named Shivo Black. It takes Natron a long time to defeat this hellish monster, but when he finally does, he receives an end message that completely shatters his world and leaves him in tears.

FUN FACT: This Is Violence has nothing to do with the first act of a dark fantasy novel I wrote years ago called Fireball Nightmare. That old story featured an army of Gary-Stu warriors, this version of This Is Violence will have relatable characters. The title for both stories was stolen from a Soulfly song of the same name.

So why did I just now decide to give Natron’s RPG character nunchucks? Surely, a sword will have sufficed just perfectly. Everybody and their uncle uses swords these days and they seem to do a good enough job of hacking off limbs and exploding hearts. But that’s the thing: everybody uses swords. Everybody! Cloud Strife used swords, Conan used a sword, Cecil Harvey used a sword, so many goddamn swords! Where are the nunchucks? Even in a game like Diablo II where there’s a huge variety of weapons and a martial arts-based character class, there are no fucking nunchucks!

While it is true that it’s nearly impossible to decapitate someone with a nunchuck attack, bludgeoning weapons shouldn’t be cast aside so easily. Nobody scoffs at war hammers and maces, so why should they scoff at nunchucks? They’re blunt, they’re deadly, and they crush bones when used by the right kind of warrior. You know what I’d like to see? A heavily armored paladin with a pair of bamboo nunchucks. A bloodthirsty barbarian with a pair of steel nunchucks. Even a feeble gnome wizard could use a pair…of nunchucks. What did you think I meant? Huh?

It’s not that hard to take down an enemy of considerable fortitude with a pair of nunchucks provided you know how to use them. You could break arms and legs with one fierce whack. You could break hands and feet and disable a lot of their attacks. Even the weakest strike could concuss an enemy worse than an NFL player. Or it could make their head explode like that creature from Pink Floyd’s music video for “What Shall We Do Now?” There’s no reason for a warrior not to use nunchucks. They’re quick, they’re light, and they hurt like shit. So why the underrated status?

You don’t even have to use them in a combative situation. When I was rehabbing my shoulder in physical therapy a year ago, they had me twirl a pair of nunchucks to get blood circulation in my labrum. While it’s true that I ended up hitting myself a lot with these things, it was an intricate part of the healing process and my arm hasn’t popped out since those sessions.

Whether you’re a monk named Chip or a nun named Chuck, these weapons are for you. They take practice, sure, but what weapon doesn’t? Personally, I’d rather accidentally whack myself in the nuts with nunchucks than accidentally chop my arm off with a katana. Wouldn’t you just love to see Jason Voorhees or Freddy Kruger with a pair of these bad boys? They’d be exploding limbs left and right and it’d be just as creepy!

So come on, fantasy authors, let’s see some nunchuck action! Don’t be like the main character in They Call Me Bruce and use them as chopsticks to get out of an arrest for possessing weapons. Chow mein doesn’t taste nearly as good when it has blood on them. Or maybe it does…if you’re sick enough to be into that sort of thing. But wait, doesn’t that just prove my point that Jason Voorhees should use nunchucks too? Hehehehehe! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time!

***WONDER WOMAN***

Remember a few blog entries ago how I said I was going to review movies more often as part of my creative contribution to society? Well, I haven’t done jack shit in that department as of today. But tomorrow, that will change. I’m going to the movie theater with Reina to see Wonder Woman and I’m already anticipating an Extra Credit grade due to the strong feminist tropes, which we need in world run by a misogynist orange blob named Donald Dump. I hope Wonder Woman lives up to the hype! Or in the case of an Extra Credit grade, exceeds it!

***THIS IS ME***

While the movie reviewing process begins tomorrow night, the book reviewing process is still going strong as evidenced by my thoughts on “Basket Case” by Carl Hiaasen, which, surprise, surprise, received a passing grade. The next randomly chosen book will be one that Marie Krepps recommended to me as a favor to her author friends. It’s called “This Is Me” by C.E. Wilson and from what I can tell it’s a cyborg romance novel. I like a good lovely-dovey ooey-gooey romance story every now and then. I’m not always about bloodbaths and beyond. I hope it’s a good one!

***AUTHOR ADVICE FOR THE DAY***

If you’re an author and you’re describing an intense foot chase between a serial killer and his prey, don’t say the victim “ran like a Baywatch character”. I don’t have any cases where an author did this, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t happened at least once in this lifetime.