Corey Darkside

NAME: Corey Darkside
AGE: 35
OCCUPATION: Barbarian Gangster
CANON: Gangs of Kingston


Do you know very many barbarians named Corey? Even female ones; be honest. Can you picture someone with that given name charging at you with a big fucking battleaxe and splitting you like a log? If this was the year 2010 and I was still writing screenplays, then I would have made this a new trend. But in order for that trend to catch on, the movie script I write has to be successful, as in it has to be made into an actual, dee-dee-dee, movie! Port Orchard isn’t exactly a cinematic town and Hollywood is God knows how many miles away, so screenplays aren’t my best option. But a regular novel with a barbaric badass named Corey Darkside? That’s a little more workable.

Today’s criminal gangs aren’t known for being liberal-minded towards women. Politicians of the middle ages were even more sexist during their time in power. Combine these two elements and you have to wonder how a woman like Corey Darkside gets involved in a gang in the first place. She’s 6’5”, muscular, carries a giant battleaxe, and has a limited sex appeal. Needless to say, Corey would never be “sexed in”, not in a million years. And yet, she somehow became the faithful girlfriend of dwarf barbarian Edge Warbringer and the co-leader of his criminal empire. I know dwarves aren’t thought of as having high standards of beauty or charisma, so this relationship might actually work.

Edge and Corey were born for battle. If you don’t believe them, take a look at the mile high pile of dead bodies they leave behind. In the screenplay Gangs of Kingston, the streets are littered with corpses of gangsters and innocent people alike to where tripping over somebody’s bloody arm isn’t unheard of. The main character, an elf warrior named Jonah Jeriqee, had to side-wind past these big ass piles just to get something to drink at the pub. Going to the pub is a bad idea in and of itself since that’s where most of the violence happens. In fact, there’s not one square inch of Kingston that doesn’t reek of death, past, present, or future. You can thank Corey Darkside for at least part of that violence.

Would you believe it if I told you that Jonah Jeriqee actually survived an encounter with Corey? In Edge’s own underground mosh pit, no less! But how is that possible? Being an elf, Jonah is a skinny twig, so watching him swing a giant barbed club like he does looks ridiculous. Corey Darkside, on the other hand, looks more than comfortable when she swings her tower-sized battleaxe. There’s only one way to survive a battle with this war-torn beast of a woman: run. After a few cheap shots here and there, Jonah got out of there with his life, despite the fact that Corey is a faster runner than he is.

Trickery and stealth will not guarantee you a convincing victory, however, which is why Corey is still a threat to anybody she crosses. When she wins a battle, she fucking wins. Everyone else either barely survives by the skin of their teeth or gets ripped up like a piece of paper. It should make perfect sense that she be a high-profile villain in any story she’s a part of. She has the last name Darkside, for Christ’s sake! There’s no way an ultra-powerful warrior like this has any room for character development like a hero would. She’s like Deus Shadowheart with tits and a vagina: every fight with her has Deus Ex Machina implications.

The only way I could picture Corey Darkside as a believable hero would be if she was a professional wrestler. There were many large women before her who became successful with their size and god-like athleticism: Chyna, Awesome Kong, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Charlotte just to name a few. But if Corey is going to be a believable hero in the world of wrestling, she’s going to have to have a thick skin, especially if she gets a Most Overrated Wrestler award from the Wrestling Observer Newsletter. It may seem like a chump change award, but those awards are possible because the majority of wrestling fans vote for that shit. Size isn’t everything, but character is. Therefore, Corey is more likely to be a villainous barbarian gangster than a heroic professional wrestler. Well, I gave it a shot.

　

***WRESTLING JOKE OF THE DAY***

Q: What do you call a Samoan wrestler who eats cheap noodles?
A: Ramen Reigns.