Not For Sex

(From my sister-in-law Susan’s point of view.)


VERSE 1 (BARE FEET)
If feet are not for sex, then what are they for?
They’re for getting your ass to the grocery store
What would you do without Diet Mountain Dew?
Your breakfast Hot Pockets, they equal two
Get a spicy burrito with a bag of Doritos
Take a good long gaze at that bag of Lays
“Thank you, hun, have a good one now!”
Says the elderly clerk with the Scottish know-how


VERSE 2 (DUCT TAPE)
If tape is not for sex, then what is it for?
It’s for shutting people up in a verbal war
The conversation lasted for an hour and a half
About Bubba-Bob and a forced southern laugh
The next conversation is music to your ears
If you like pop music from the golden years
She needs to borrow money, will you give it to her?
Will she pay you back or will this be a curse?


VERSE 3 (ADULT DIAPERS)
If diapers aren’t for sex, then what are they for?
They’re for dirty assholes and nothing more
It’s not the natural function that you intended
But it’s where our conversations always ended
Maybe one day when you have a child
His diaper’s stench will be murky and wild
Can you keep your lunch down a few more minutes?
It’s parenthood: you got to be in it to win it


HOOK
Whatever happened to the good old fashioned way?
Why can’t you just have a normal missionary lay?
We’re all equal when it comes to orgasms
No matter the method, your legs will spasm